Thank you Dreamhost.
2 hours after the site was back up, I got an email that they'd tried to connect to my (now fully functional) database and were able to. A-doy.
Maybe next time I'll label my ticket OMG MY SITE IS DOWN HELP NOW (an actual priority description on their web form, which I avoided because that seemed like an annoying priority description).
Anyway, shits was broken on their end, now shits is fixed. Huzzah.